


Tattoo

by Shinigamibutter



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Tattoos, trigger warning? Maybe???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-24 21:49:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16648460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinigamibutter/pseuds/Shinigamibutter
Summary: Changkyun knows what he wants, what he needs. Most of the time. This tattoo is no exception.





	Tattoo

**Author's Note:**

> OK so hear me out Changkyun's wrist tattoo is the symbol for bipolar, which he may not have. I do. So I'm writing this from my experience, not all experiences are the same. But that means this will be bittersweet. Cause I struggle. 
> 
> Fuck I told myself I wouldn't write this but here we are...when I'm supposed to be writing for my chaptered fics..

“Are you sure this is what you want?” The question was asked softly, nicely but that didn’t mean it was necessary. Changkyun wouldn’t be there if he wasn’t sure. But he knew it was the woman’s job to ask, to nag, to prod him into considering what he was doing. So he didn’t cut off her tirade about how tattoos weren’t that accepted. He already knew that too. Despite being American he’d lived in Korea long enough to know how tattoos were looked at. 

It didn’t matter. He wanted, no he needed this. No matter what his boyfriend told him when he’d brought up the idea. They’d had a few fights over it too, but Kihyun had eventually sighed and given up. Though Changkyun knew that even though he’d caved Kihyun didn’t understand. Couldn’t understand. That was okay too. It wasn’t meant for Kihyun it was meant for himself. 

Looking at the design again he smiled inwardly even though he knew his lips didn’t move outwardly. Today was a good day, an up day, a moodless day. They were increasingly rare as the days started to move towards winter. Winter wasn’t kind to him or his mood swings, but he knew this would help. It would make him feel when he looked at it. Remind him there were two sides of this coin he was always flipping. 

He knew it wasn’t just a tattoo, it was a brand. A mark that told everyone, including himself what he was. Bipolar, the symbol of which was a smile and frown in the form of a two colons and a parenthesis bracket between them. The two extremes of the disease. The two moods with which he dances throughout his days trying to find balance so he could find peace. He doubted the tattoo artist knew that though.

Once she realized he couldn’t be talked out of it she went to work, it was quick but not painless. Changkyun didn’t mind that. It was a brand after all. A reminder of who, what he was. As that’s all some people could see once he told them. A word that was slapped onto him as a label by those that didn’t care enough to see beyond it. He’d met plenty of people like that. 

Like Kihyun they couldn’t understand why he’d want to tattoo it on himself. Why he’d chose to brand himself when if he never told anyone they’d never know. Changkyun knew that wasn’t true, his mood swings would see that the observant knew. Kihyun himself had figured it out, but unlike everyone else he’d asked, not slung the word around like an insult. As if the disease made him less. 

It was important though. Because in his lows it was hard to remember how to feel happy, what happiness even was. If it was something he’d ever felt before or would ever feel again. He knew looking at this he’d remember, he’d know it would pass. Sometimes it felt like that emptiness, the hollow negativity of a low, would never pass. That he’d die just like that, feeling nothing. 

Kihyun was there for those times too, he was wonderful and supportive and careful. Everything Changkyun wanted, needed. But Kihyun couldn’t always be there. There were times when he had to pull himself up, when he knew that even if Kihyun was there he couldn’t connect. He couldn’t feel enough for it to matter. Those were the times he needed this, wanted it. A visual reminder that there was hope. That his mood would always swing back even if the down lasted months. 

When it was done, bandaged up and covered for the walk home he smiled to himself. The pain was worth it for what it would do for him. And when he got home he was surprised to see his boyfriend, smiling and sad all at once when he looked at his wrist. Kihyun had grabbed it and kissed it. He didn’t understand but he was trying. He’d keep trying. And that was all that Changkyun could ever hope for. From Kihyun and himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?


End file.
